5 steps of a successful refusal + 3 magic tricks

How to formulate a polite and firm refusal?

The most important thing about saying no, begins even before I even start speaking.

I don’t immediately agree to anything, I give myself a day to think. This time perspective helps me avoid most problems – an idea may seem unimaginable at first, but when I think  things through, talk them over with someone, dark sides begin surface.

Everyone should create an list of rules – a personal, corporate, decision-making Decalogue. It must contain rigid rules about what we agree to and what we do not agree to. And we should stick to it consistently. Such a magical list will help us separate the cold calculation from the emotions when we have to make a difficult decision.

We should also stop feeling the need to explain our decisions. As adults, we don’t need to explain anything to anyone. Unless it’s our autonomous decision to do so.

If the other person, despite the refusal, still wants to discuss the matter, we can use one of these three methods:

1. Broken record technique– I repeat the refusal until my counterpart gets bored, say the same sentence, cutting into any further arguments in order to make the other side give up
2. Force majeure– I refer to someone else’s decision (the boss, the customer, the rules of the company) – something/someone who is hierarchically above me and does not allow me to express consent
3. Witcher’s code– I hide behind work rules, which define what I am allowed to do, how and when.

Order of formulating a refusal:

1. I comment on people’s behavior, not people themselves– it is important to focus on how the other party behaves, and not their character traits
2. I’m talking about my feelings.– for example: I feel bitter, angry, embarrassed – I show why certain behavior is uncomfortable for me
3. I offer solutions(more than one) – I try to help the other side find a consensus and show how they can solve the problem
4. I warn of the consequences – I’m stating what I’m going to do if the other side continues to violate the trust
5. I fulfill my promise – if the behavior has not changed– I am doing exactly what I said I’d do

Autor

Radek Klimek